A year ago I became a mum. After a horrendous 9 months that left me on crutches, gestational diabetes, extremely poorly and not even sure if my little girl would make it into the world…. a failed 3 day induction and a c-section later – Billie came into the world.
I had an idea in my head of what motherhood should be like. I was adamant I would be all of these things and more after such a rough time getting her here ….
Unfortunately, it wasn’t what my body wanted. I hit rock bottom. A very confusing and daunting time.
I was always outgoing, the life of the party – the confident and brave one. But not anymore. I was anxious, nervous, and sad all the time. A very dark place. A feeling I couldn’t control nor could I pass on.
I tried to attend baby classes; I would force myself to go once or twice, but couldn’t muster the courage to attend anymore. I was desperate for my little girl to socialise and have the most amazing experiences, I just couldn’t do it.
I was failing – or so I thought. I was too scared to admit it – I told no one. Then I cracked. And fell further and further into depression. I turned to alcohol and was drinking a lot… way too much. It was my way of coping – of blocking out all the emotions that I was useless, I was failing, that I was a crap mum. I lost control – which was extremely frustrating – and that made me even worse.
My husband forced me to the GP and I started medication. For a while I felt better – but piled on loads of weight due to side effects of the meds – this impacted greatly on my mental health. I wasn’t getting any better. I was referred to Turning Point counselling services in Wakefield, and my counsellor was amazing. I cried, I got angry, she listened and never judged. She set me tasks – which I tried to follow – when I felt able.
After 7 months on the same meds, the GP decided it was time for a change. This was the darkest time of my life so far. I was suicidal – I was dependant on alcohol and I was a nervous-wreck. I rocked back and forth – was agitated and literally couldn’t function day to day let alone look after a baby.
After a massive breakdown I took myself back to the GP – they upped my new meds, gave me extra meds and I had more counselling. These were dark times for me and my family.
I had friends who had new babies and I was angry – why wasn’t I coping? Why wasn’t I like them? Why me?
A few weeks passed and I started to feel glimpses of the old me. I spent Christmas at home with my amazing family friends and it was here I really felt my true self. After we returned, I set myself a goal of looking after me and my family. Working massive hours in teaching would not give me the lifestyle I needed – that I wanted in order to make it up to my little girl. Make it up to her, that for the first year of her life – I was non-existent.
After 15 years in Education, I left my teaching job and started this business. Named after my little girl and her nickname – Little Legs. I owe it to her – to be the best mummy I can be – and to support others – no matter how big or small – on the journey of parenthood. I still struggle and have bad days – but the good moments and love between me and my family – keep me going, xXx
To book a baby massage class with Little Legs Lifestyles click here
Little Legs Lifestyles also hold special events through-out the year. For more information please see their facebook page
If you have been affected by this story or feel there is something just not right, please do speak to your GP, midwife or health visitor.
You can also seek advice and support from Turning Point. Wakefield and PANDAS
